Just be REAL... ANALYNN!!

So I talked to one of my good friends the other day.. somewhere in the conversation they say to me "you always say your gonna do something.. and you never do it.. be real and just do it." It bothered me not in a bad way, but made me think of things as to what I say.. and if I really go thru with it. So that was 1. Then the next day me and Mike are somewhere and he asks what i'm gonna do on Sunday.. I told him I was gonna pull all the weeds out from the front yard.. and then he says.. "yeah right! You're not gonna pull them weeds!"..
So.. Sunday Morning.. thanks to Tt71's lil comment and also Mike's.... I pulled, chopped, cut the weeds and trimmed some of the hedging.. that sucker looks like some Mexicans came and hooked the front yard up! I was super proud of myself for doing it... all by myself, with a pair of rusty ass shears, messed up gloves and my own two hands...:) It made me think of the house on Alameda Street.. how we would pull and cut weeds.. there where a handful of times when I would always do it by myself..
I guess I'm used to doin things by or for myself.. its kinda hard to except that sometimes... maybe there is sincerity in someone trying to give me a helping hand. I think the reason why i'm like this.. why i'm so hesistant or quiet.. Alot of the times in the past.. if I was to ask FUCKFACE for help, weather if it was about paying bills, yard work, spending quality time with me, or even opening up the spagetti jar that's too hard for me to open.. FUCKFACE.. most of the time with look at me in disgust.. say something like.. your soo stupid, you're so weak.. can't do shit..dumb bitch.. he always had some derogatory comment to make to me.. to the point.. where... I didn't want to hear it anymore... and I would just do it... whatever it would be... I would do it by myself or with my kids help.
So.. I guess when I do need help.. its soo hard for me to ask, because 1. the fear of rejection, 2. the thoughts that run thru my head about how FUCKFACE , would just demeanor me.. and it makes me 2nd guess myself.
Mike has told me twice... just "say it".. closed mouths don't get fed..
I need to overcome that shit in me.. not like i'm gonna ask for help.. but like in General.. when I really wanna say something... sometimes.. I get stuck.. and for that moment every possible bad scenario that FUCKFACE has done with me ... runs thru my mind... I know, its not him, I know.. I shouldn't be scared, I don't know what it is why I get like that.. but yeah.. I need to overcome this.. and just do it.
ok since I was writing about my past.. I remember one time I asked FUCKFACE to open this little air freshner thing for me.. it was screwed on tight and I just couldn't for the life of me, get it open... so I asked him to open it for me... he grabbed it from me... mumbled something like "dumb bitch" opened it up for me.. then thru it. He was mad I bothered him when playing his World of warcraft game. ... I hate him for that.. I hate how he treated me. He really at one point in my life made me believe that I was worth nothing.. and its one of the most hurtful feelings in the world to be treated, and told that from someone... who's suppose to be your other half.
The only real love I know- is the love I have for my kids. No matter what kind of shit they take me thru.. I love them.. forever... as far as falling in love with someone, I have love... but I've never been in love with someone who wanted me as much as I wanted them.. to the point.. where.. i'm worth it... even if its stopping your game, and opening a jar for me.
Mike came over on Sunday and did the backyard... I thought that was super sweet.. he's been making an impact on me... I know he has his own silent issues.. but at least he straight about things... He told me Friday night, if I ever need money.. I can go to him and ask.. but I find that embarrasing, and also... before I ever ask him for money.. I'd ask my parents, my family first... I just want to be put in a situation where someone might think.. .well I gave you money... so you should do this... NOPE.. I don't even wanna be in that situation.. so.. at all costs.. unless its a super big duper emergency... I'm not asking him. I appreciate the offer...
ok I'm hella sleepy right now.. I took an hour lunch so now I have to stay till 4pm. Sucks booty. but yeah.. ok i'll write later..