My Past-

I had to write this for...therapy.. and well this is not to demeanor ANYONE. But only to tell the truth of what I've gone thru. People Judge sooo fast these days.. no one really knows how things are behind closed doors... unfortunately.. for me, it was someone I loved, who provided for me, but in a sick twisted way... made me believe.. that all of this.. all of this that's written below this.. was just BS.. as if it never happend? Of course.. i'm not perfect, of course I too made damaging misatkes.. but one thing i've never done to him.. was ever made him feel like his "life" was in my hands.
I'm REAL NOW.. to myself.. to my kids.... they know my story.. and they love and respect the fact that I finally removed ourselves from this "lifestyle".

I want to say first off... thanks Roland.. I would've never met Tony if you never did any of this.

Tony- You're the FUCKING BEST!!.. I know it probably wasn't such a big deal on your part.. but without you,. my life would've probably still been the same.. maybe.. even worse. I seriously have much respect and mad love for you. Always-

Dee and Lamont- you are my family.. I don't care what anyone else says.. you two are my dawgs!! Even though it was just a couch to you guys.. it was my bed when I had none... and I will eternally be grateful for the protection, friendship, love, and EVERYTHING you guys have done for me..I love you guys.. i soooooo fucking love you... :)


1990-The first time Roland hurt me physically was when I was 15. I was going thru independent studies. Roland had just started his job with FORD. He wanted me to cook for him. We were at his mom’s apartment alone. He was upset that I didn’t feel like cooking the chicken. The argument escalated and the subject became about me and my ex boyfriend. Time was running, and I had meet my teacher at school to turn in my assignments. I told him I had to go. And that’s when he first struck me and then repeated several times. He told me if I didn’t stop crying he was going to tie me up and keep me in his moms room. 1993- Jocelynn was born… we had moved back to Vallejo in Glen Cove. Roland had fixed a car for a friend of a friend. The people whose car he worked on had no money, so they paid him back with weed. About an 8th. He came home late and threw it at me. Told me to sell it to get the money back. At that time Jocelynn was maybe 4 or 5 months old . I told him I didn’t want to do that, I was trying to stay straight- and that he should just do it himself. He didn’t like that answer. He threw the orange juice he was drinking, in my face while Jocelynn laid next to me.. he then grabbed her cuz she was crying and hung her over the staircase like how Michael Jackson did with his kid… he threatened me- he said was just going to drop her and then kill me. I lunged at him to stop..Instead, he threw her back on the bed, and then started to slap me around. I started crying, and he became irritated more with my crying and the baby’s crying, so..he began chocking me.. chocking me so much I remember begging him and telling him with my hands that I couldn’t breath.. I started to black out, and all I remembered was praying to God to please.. if I die, please just make sure my baby was ok. I started going back to school to get my HS diploma, things seemed better, Roland became more interested in going to the ARCADE place with his friends, while leaving me and Jocelynn home alone. One night he came home highly upset. We started to argue again.. for what? I can’t remember. He didn’t like the way I was bitching back to him.. And he started punching me.. my arms, and then kicking my leg… He kept on kicking till he actually saw it turn black & blue. I had cried and screamed so much I lost my voice for about a week.. 1994- It was close to my graduation.. This time we lived on Malaga street. I think I was trying to get Jocelynn out of her toddler bed. And by doing so I had to pass by the TV in our room.. which of course he was playing some Nintendo game on. I had accidentally stepped on a cord which caused his game or him to “mess up” so he got up and Struck me. Just because of his stupid Video Game. Yes I deserved that one. 1995- I remember driving to Eli’s house on Foothill drive. Roland didn’t want to hang out with them. They had invited us over to eat and just chill out. Again, I have no idea why this happened or what the argument was about… but while I drove the car, Roland started hitting the back of my head while he sat in the back seat with our 2 year old watching. I’ll stop on the years because there where soo many other times, it just seems like a blur. I know the threats, the remarks on how he would tell me- I unleashed some demon in him and all he saw was red. How if I ever left him.. that’s all everyone would see… RED. I think I hid my feelings well because, I felt like at any moment or time being with Roland.. I could literally die. My main concern wasn’t about me. It was more on my kids and how I just wanted soo badly to be a normal family.. Eventually I began to believe that this was a normal life.. whatever that means... When I was pregnant with Jared on my 8th month.. We went to this paintball store in Napa. Roland told me to just sit in the truck with Jocelynn while he buys his stuff.. My water broke. I walked into the store the first time to tell him what had happened..he told me to hold on. I went back in the truck…30 minutes later- the 2nd time I came back into the store he waved me away with his hand giving me that jaw clenching look.. the 3rd time which was maybe an hour later… I told him WE HAVE TO GO NOW.. he didn’t believe me.. until we got to the hospital.. and that’s when they told me I was already in labor.. I didn’t push the issue about my water breaking because.. I was too scared to make him mad. I didn’t want him to do anything to me while I was in that condition. Paintball was his life at that time.. interupting him would be almost like messing up his video game.. When Jared was born, things seemed more calmer, for awhile but only to start all over again. This was when the Personal Computer just started to really become a household item. He had threatened me if I didn’t buy one for him, he would leave me and the kids. I SHOULD’VE NEVER BOUGHT ONE, AND JUST SHOULD’VE LET HIM LEAVE. One night- about a week after I had given birth to our son.. Jared had ran out of diapers. So, Roland took me to Target. He was upset that I didn’t feel like going. I was still recovering from my c-section.. We got into another argument..he told me to get out of the car..and- he took off… and left me in the parking lot. I ended up walking home with the diapers. It took about an hour and a half but I made it home by 10 pm. Another time was on Bolton way- All I know was I deserved what he gave me… or so he said and made me believe that. I think he “kinda” felt bad about beating me.. so couple of hours later he takes me, Jocelynn & Jared to Bluerock springs park so the kids can play and take pictures… I guess to show us- that we are a family? Take pictures to remember the moment? When Jocelynn had her first Kindegarten show- I stood up to take pictures of my daughter. Roland became angry. He didn’t like how I stood out from the crowd which just drew attention to me. We left early cuz I saw in his eyes he was upset and I became scared. He started driving crazy towards the hills near Napa, or Yountville.. he told me he was just going to kill me, and leave me in the woods- somewhere.. I think that’s when I.. just lost it.. I remember him hitting me, punching my face as he drove, telling me how much of a stupid bitch I am.. and me begging for him to stop. I really believed he was going to kill me that day… He dragged me out of the car in this remote place where there were lots of trees.. I’ve never felt so scared. I remember literally beggin for my life. I had to think fast. I didn’t want to die. I started thinking about my daughter, and how would I be able to survive or get out of this? I needed to just calm him down .. so I did.. by pleading… and then…offering him... oral sex. I think when that happened, I saved my life.. but lost myself. He always used me as an excuse as to why he didn’t want to do certain things or why he didn’t want to accompany me and the kids to family functions, or whatever it might be..I was ALWAYS the one at fault and the one to blame for EVERYTHING. I began to believe him, that I wasn’t worth much, I felt like I was a terrible mom, a terrible being..a waste of space. A lot of neglecting, disrespecting, and I took it, because I felt I had no other choice, no other way out.. I was afraid if I left he would end up killing me and the kids. He made me feel soo worthless.. I had no one.. One time when I thought things were ok- I asked him to just spend some time with me and watch TV or something.. He was soo devoted to his RAINBOW 6 game, becoming a moderator..etc.. All his time was with the computer.. It had upset him. Me asking if he could just spend time with me.. I realized, I became an irritant, a burden.. I remember him just going off, grabbing the hammer throwing me into the closet and making me sit in the middle as he aimed towards the center of my head as if I had a nail in it and He was ready to pound down…it felt like he was just going to bust my head open with it.. I remember covering my head with my arms and hands.. terrified.. I became suicidal.. I didn’t know how to live, I didn’t know if this was right, If I truly deserved to be treated like this..I hid and lied everything for him, to cover up so he wouldn’t be in trouble..but, I couldn’t take it anymore.. so I planned my death.. I ended up taking an overdose of sleeping pills and Vicodin. Initially, before passing out, I was suppose to cover my head with a plastic bag..so I would suffocate in my sleep...But.. He found me after taking the pills and brought me to the hospital emergency entrance, and left me there alone. They placed me on a 51/50 and admitted me into a psychiatric hospital. I cried for 2 days straight..and then I stopped, and next several days I became mute, I wouldn’t speak.. The hospital staff threatened me if I didn’t start talking they would have to put me on meds or futher evaluation... I snapped out of it quick I thought more about my kids and how I didn’t want them to be alone relying on HIM. So I lied to the doctors and staff that I was just trying to call out for attention that I knew it was wrong to try and commit suicide …I never mentioned, the real reasons behind that and what kind of hell I really lived in..so... they let me go… Early in the relationship, I had confided to Roland about my childhood. This was something that I NEVER told anyone about. When I was 3 years old I was molested several times by my babysitters’ 17 yr old son.I had held this secret in me till I was 20 years old.. never telling anyone about this. I begged Him never to tell anyone.. but he did…to my parents. It was mind blowing for all of them. I felt like I had suppressed it so much that I was over it. I realized later it was the right thing to tell my parents about it. But I should’ve been the one to tell them.Months later, he used this unfortunate situation of mine to only torment, and degrade me more so I could realize I was really not worth much. He had become angry with me. So out of spite he stated “ The reason why I got molested and not my sister or brother was because I have a birthmark on my nose, and it makes me ugly and he (the molester) figured pick the ugly kid she won’t say anything.” I guess he was right huh? A couple years ago we decided to go to LA and visit my family and take the kids to Disney Land. We had drove but Roland and Jared had tickets to fly back home because of Jared’s Little League picture day.. they left 1 day before us. Jadelynn had become ill while on route back home. It was me Jada, Jocelynn and Chelsea in my car. I followed Lamont and Dee back but got lost.. and ended make a 6 hour drive into a 10 hour drive. I was exhausted and worried because Jada’s fever had become more worse. We left LA around 1pm and I didn’t get into Vallejo till 11 PM. I told Roland about Jade being sick and asked if he could drive us to Kaiser Emergency..I was exhausted from the drive.. He made up some lame excuse as to why I’m so pathetic, not good enough… yadda yadda….He started to do that Jaw clenching thing right before he hits me.. Just cuz he was playing his VIDEO game- GOD FORBID I interrupt him on that.. So of course- I shut my mouth, and I ended up going alone with Jada to Kaiser emergency. She was diagnosed with Pneumonia and we didn’t leave Kaiser till 7am that next morning. Again, my heart broke for the umpteenth time.I woke up one morning next to him.. And of course the first thing that started was us arguing.. I have no clue what the argument was about, I’m guessing of course it was something I did or said or didn’t do properly.. anyways.. after 5 minutes from waking up in bed next to him.. he clocks me.. right in the jaw.. I remember the blood coming out from my mouth.. and me just slowly getting up and washing the blood away.. as if it was a normal routine. My uncle Edgar said to me one time after Roland had just beaten me (I had freashend up so I wouldn’t look so tore up-) Uncle Edgar looking straight into my eyes and saying “honey, it looks like someone took your spirit, are you ok?” My heart broke inside, because I wanted soo bad for someone to recognize it… because.. I didn’t, couldn’t.. I was too afraid, or I was in denial. On the early morning of November 13, 2008 Roland beat me one last time. After years of the regular beatings, he had me trained to where I would cover my own mouth so no-one could hear me cry or scream. (just in case so HE wouldn’t get in trouble) He punched multiple times with closed fists to my head, arms, and face… He had told me that morning I wasn’t going into work. That instead of me going into work he was just going to “beat my ass all day”. My 10 year old son had overheard the commotion coming from our room and he bolted thru the door to stop his dad. Roland with one hand took him by the neck and threw him out, and then proceeded with my beating. I don’t think I felt the punches or the pain that he was inflicting on me. It hurt me more to see my son trying to stop his dad from doing this. 30 minutes later, Roland became tired and told me to fix myself and just go straight to work.. Honestly.. if this was a different a time, a different year, I would’ve done exactly what he said.. I ran to my car and locked myself in. My kids were still inside the house. For a couple of seconds I thought.. Ok I’ll just go to work, he’ll be calmed down by that time, and everything will be ok… But I couldn’t. Something came to me.. something very important said had refreshed in my head.. and I knew the person who told me this was right.I was able to get my 3 kids and left the house. Roland was arrested 15 minutes later. There were more things that i'd rather not share.... or not want to remember about. I'm just glad my ass woke up LITERALLY. and I'm free. from HIM.