So I filled out the Child support papers..There's one part in the packet on one sheet its divided by months in the year.. I had to list how many times HE visited and spent time with the kids.. I only filled out four lines.
Once in March for 24 hours, once in April for 20 minutes and May for about 30. How can you not check on your kids? How can you just forget about them? I guess it shows.. who really took care of it- because I couldn't go on without not knowing how my baby girl is doing.. or how my son is doing... how could you do that? How do you live like that? YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
Then last Saturday.. My mom saw him and asked him for money for food for the kids.. This DISRESPECTFUL, DUMBASS, JERKS OF WITH BANANA PEELS, LIL PRICK- DORK pulled his wallet out and showed my mom he had no cash on him.. then he said with a sarcastic attitude "you want me to rob a bank?" DAMN I WISH I WAS THERE... I would said Yea, mother fucker at least real men would kill and die for their kids..do something for their kids.. your ass doesn't do shit!
one of the GOLDEN RULES IN LIFE- never DISRESPECT the hand that feeds you or your children... KARMA'S A BITCH..she'll get your ass..(please?)
I worked out hard last night after kickboxing. I went straight home and punched the bag for an hour.. I GOT OFF GOOD.. sweat drippin everywhere my arms and legs burning.. but I kept on smashing, punching, kicking, elbowing.. I thought about HIM.. and it kept me going.. kept me punching.. I get images in my head when he's picking up the chair, or the hammer, or the iron.. wrapping it around his hand... his face, his eyes.. the way he looks crazy comming for me about to hit me.. I think of it.. I think of the times I BEGGED.. and said SORRY.. BEGGING FOR MY LIFE.. BEGGING TO STOP HITTING .. I HATE HOW I BECAME SUBMISSVE to him..how I would be this dumbfuck and be like "oh kay babe, Ok babe, ok babe..." I think about all of this.. and I go OFF.. I GO OFF INTO another world..thinking the punching bag is him.. and I just want to punch, kick.. all of it... all of it away...
I remember one morning I cooked a big breakfast for all of us.. And it was Saturday morning.. I wanted to sit by the pool.. I remember he kicked tiki right in the chest and made me drop all the breakfast... I remember Jade crying to me cuz she felt soo bad for Tiki.. and Jared walking into the house to hide his tears... YOU KNOW WHATS SAD.. that same scenario of the kids walking away crying.. or trying to hide thier tears.. happend MANY TIMES.. AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT.. I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT CHANGING SOONER, NOT LEAVING SOONER, I HATE THAT I LET THEM SEE ALL OF THAT I HATE THAT I DIDN'T PROTECT THEM when I should've... mostly I HATE HIM.. HE'S THE MAN.. I treated him like a king serving his dinners at his desk so he wouldn't have to sit with us, catering to all his needs.. I BLAME MYSELF FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN.. I don't know how I did this for 18 FUCKING LONG YEARS.. HOW THE FUCK DID I TAKE IT?! wth???
No wonder i'm so fucked up inside now.. i'm not like Crazy or Looney.. but it just hurts.. all of this.. I could totally understand how people wanna just become alone and just get numb to everything...
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